Should You Stay or Go?
This is the era of the great resignation, apparently. But does it feel like everyone else is spreading their wings while you’re still in track pants? You’ve already given up two years of your life to this global pandemic. Time to get on with your life. Should you stay doing what you’re doing, or should you go and try something different?
I’ve devoted my career to figuring out how to respond to questions like this - tricky questions with no right or wrong answers, and always life-changing. Looking back, can you see where you made a good choice in your life or where you took the wrong fork in the road? Everything hinges on that moment of choice. If only you’d backed the right horse; bought at the right time in the market; taken that leap of faith. What if?
Thinking about your decision
How you decide these things seems pretty straightforward. You either go with your heart - your intuition, experience, gut feeling (this is called system 1 thinking). Or you go with your head - rational, calculated, thoughtful (system 2 thinking). You could make the best choice of your life, or the worst mistake ever. You might experience a happy accident or a calculated failure. What’s the best way to make a life-changing decision? When you’re facing doubt, dilemma, or disruption it turns out neither system is definitive. You need a third system of thinking.
System 3 thinking
My research has identified how people make wise choices rather than foolish ones. You might think wisdom is reserved for spiritual teachers. But your family and friends can easily tell you whether you’re on the right track or whether you’re off the rails. Wisdom and wise choices can be readily observed.
I’ve discovered that there is a third system of thinking which you can use to balance your emotions and your reasoning. You’re already programmed for it. The DMN (Default Mode Network) is a part of the brain which gets activated when you’re daydreaming or not thinking of anything in particular. This seems to be a natural crossroad between the prefrontal cortex (reasoning) and the amygdala (emotion). When you let go of the issue sometimes the solution just presents itself. Good judgment and creativity are likely mediated by the DMN. It represents the ‘orchestration’ of system 1 and system 2 thinking.
It’s this third system of thinking which you need to switch on when you’re deciding whether to stay or go. Don’t try to force the decision through some analytical framework. And don’t just jump and hope that the net will appear. There are 6 dimensions to system 3 thinking, and this is how you use them:
Focus on the things that matter
Sometimes you can be too focused on what might go wrong and miss the things that could go right. What are you really looking for in your life? Your reality is what you pay attention to. So, focus on what affirms you and moves you in the direction of your desires.
Draw on the experience of others
You can’t know everything. So, who can you turn to for good advice? You want someone who can act as a sounding board without judging or criticising you. It’s also important to consider your own best advice based on what has worked or not worked in your life. Take time to reflect on the successes and failures of others, and of yourself.
Make small decisions first
Don’t rush it. If you can, make a small decision in the direction you want to go and see how that works out. Then make another small decision, and another. This is often called ‘prototyping’ and it’s what entrepreneurs do. They fail their way to success. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Temper your emotions
It’s easy to get overly excited or dismally depressed. But you need to harness your emotions without getting swamped by them. ‘Equanimity’ is that state of stability where you respond equally to good news or bad news. You don’t take anything personally. Recognise what you’re feeling and what others may be feeling rather than suppress your emotions.
Practice compassion
Don’t beat yourself up. Be grateful for all the good things in your life. Be a little kind and gentle with yourself. It’s hard to change a job, a career, a house, or a relationship. Practice some self-nurturing and self-compassion. Going out of your way to be kind or compassionate towards others can lift you out of your rut and help you see that there is more to life than promotion.
Recognise the diversity of values around you
You’re probably looking at your decision through your own rose-coloured glasses. But there are multiple ways to view your situation. How might someone with a different set of values make your choice? What are some different cultural or ethnic perspectives? When you adhere too strictly to your own values you miss the richness of more diverse frames of reference. Seek out diversity before you jump to conclusions.
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